Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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