I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We left the knife in your bed.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
