and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
