First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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