Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
