You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
