Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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