New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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