If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
