my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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