Heybabeimwearingurpanties
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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