I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
