I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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