ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
