We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
