guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sobbing to NWA
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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