I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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