so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
