My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
