I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
