we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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