jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
