The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
