i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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