i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
