Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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