I want to have your abortion
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
