I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
