my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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