her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
