Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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