3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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