every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
