Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
3pm strippers are depressing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
