I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
