My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
