I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
