The maid of honor just puked.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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