Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
