I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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