so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
