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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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