Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
