God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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