You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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