I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
