So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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