my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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