At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
