hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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