I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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