Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
