She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
