my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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