god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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